Mental breakdowns.

It’s like… insane. My brain goes from completely stable to a fucking wreck in just a second. Unable to control it, I just lay down and cry like crazy, trying to even breathe properly. It’s like all of my cells in my body has been set to self-destruct… My emotions overflows and I drown. My mind gets cloudy, I can’t think straight and everything becomes like a threat to me, especially myself.

And then, just like that, it’s gone again.

The most scary part about my breakdowns is that my brain shuts down, as to protect itself. Almost like when you’re in an accident and your brain shuts down parts that are not necessary at the moment so that you will survive. That’s what my brain does, I think. It shuts down and the effects of it is that I become really dissociative. A defense mechanism. It’s scary though because I feel weird. I feel out of this world, out of my body and out of my mind when it happens. I don’t remember anything from the day I had the breakdown and I have to focus really hard to even stay present. People might feel they have a hard time even talking to me, because I’m so far away in my mind I can’t really focus.

When it happens I hate myself more than words can describe. I hate everything I say, everything I do and everything I’ve ever made (such as pictures, blog posts and so on) and that often results in me either deleting things I’ve made or shutting down blogs. I even hate my shadow.

Another scary part is that I become really self-destructive. I act out my impulses and nothing can stop me. Nobody can stand in my way of self-destruction and I always end up hurting myself in one way or another. Even if it’s not leaving scars, I do harmful things to myself just to feel something, to not slip away completely. Almost like an anchor. The pain makes it easier to focus and breathe, I guess.

I’m sorry if I ever say or write something to any of you that might be hurtful. This is not an excuse to act like an asshole, but it’s an explanation. I’m totally out of it when this happens and I can’t really hold back on anything (that’s why I might be writing and saying stupid things). I don’t hate anyone else but me when this happens, even if it might seem like it.

I wish I knew how to control it but it comes onto me so fast I don’t have time to react. It hits me so hard. Maybe someday I’ve learned to handle it but for now please just bare with me…

Anledningen till varför jag skrev detta inlägg på engelska är att det blev lättare så. Vet inte exakt varför dock.