Alone

Alone once again. No one in sight, no one around. I feel like this is the way my life was meant to be, yet I long for connections. But every inch of my own mind is breaking me apart and there is no room for love in it. There is only room for hate, defeat, sorrow and emptiness. It’s consuming me. For years it has been consuming me and all along the only real friend I had was loneliness. Before I could even read, I learned about loneliness and the fact that it would always accompany me. Always be by my side, like a true friend, holding my hand and comforting me.

People tell me I have to be strong, I have to stay positive. I say ‘shut the ¤%&# up’. It makes me pissed because some of you will never even know what it’s like to be me. You will never know what this is like and you should be thankful for it. I wouldn’t wish this hell even on my worst enemy… which by the way is myself so that doesn’t really make any sense but you get the idea. Or do you? Do you really? Because I feel like an alien. I was misplaced for some reason and I don’t even belong on this fucking planet

I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m alone. Alone. I’m always alone. Even in a room full of people, I’m still alone. Even if I’m together with someone, having fun, I’m still alone. Deep down inside I will always be alone. Don’t even try to convince me otherwise because you won’t be able to. I just feel the feeling of loneliness all the time. All. The. Time. I doubt it’ll change just like that. I wish it was that easy. I wish I didn’t have this feeling inside all the time. I wish I wasn’t so alone. Maybe someday someone will convince me that the feeling is just a feeling and it’s not a reality, but for now it’s my reality and it’s going to be hard to change it. I’m used to this and changes are always scary.

I am a disappointment. A screw-up. A complete failure. They’ve been telling me that for years and years and I believe in them now. I believe that I’m not worthy of anything, especially love. That’s why I’m hiding in my own bubble and I’m not letting anyone in. It’s comfortable in here. I’m wearing the hate like it’s a jacket. A heavy yet soft jacket that surrounds me with warmth and safety. Letting anyone in would risk everything and I’m not ready to take that chance. Not yet and I doubt I ever will if I am to continue on this road.

I’m scared. Scared because it feels like all this hate is consuming me, suffocating me. It’s getting harder to breathe and harder to scream for help. My voice is getting more and more silent until the day I will no longer be heard. It can’t be far away, I can sense it.

I want to be heard, I want to be seen but yet it is the one thing I fear the most. I can’t trust anyone. I can’t trust myself because I don’t know who I am, what I am. I’m making up my own reality and my own self, I set the rules but still I find myself breaking them over and over again. Therefor I should be punished. “There is no love here so don’t even think about it.”

There have been times I’ve let other people in. Every single time my world has come crashing down on top of me and I have yet to find all the missing pieces of me. They are shattered all over the place and I’m beginning to think that some of them were stolen when the people left me. I think they took a piece of me with them, so that I could never be whole again. That’s why I’m so shattered yet I’m still trying to convince myself I’m not. But I am, and it hurts.

Why am I even going on? What’s the point in all of this? I know that some of you might actually read everything and I’m grateful for that. Thank you. I wish I could let you in for real, let you inside my world and let you see everything. But I don’t trust myself trusting other people. That’s why I’m so alone and that’s why I will probably always be alone. There is still an ounce of hope in me telling me that someday I won’t be alone ever again. I’m hanging onto it like it’s a matter of life or death.

I’m sorry. This has nothing to do with other people, it’s just me. My own stupid self that has put me in this position. I’m trying to find the right way and get the hell away from here but it’s hard. My resources are scarce and I’m running out of energy. Soon there will be only hope left but until that day I'll keep walking with my head high.

It took me 3 days to finish this post. Then another day to contemplate whether or not I should even hit Publish. If you don’t have anything nice to say in the comments, don’t say anything. Thanks.

This is me, Elli, Elliott, Kyo, Eli or whatever the fuck I am, signing off. Thanks for reading.